Recently, u/ibrahim0000000 asked women on Reddit to share what they would say to their daughters to help them grow up with excellent self-esteem. Their replies covered a lot of ground, and honestly, they gave me, an adult, the pep talk that I didn’t even know I needed. Here’s what they had to say:
1.
“My family is a matriarchy, several generations of powerful women, and one thing we do for our girls that has a huge impact is this: Every time you find yourself complimenting a girl’s looks, her appearance, her cute outfit — great, girls need that validation in this beauty-obsessed culture. But then, look for the first possible opportunity to compliment her on something else: how brave she is, how funny her joke was, how smart she is, how fast. It’s astonishing how often the natural thought is about her looks, even for third generation feminists.”
2.
“You can’t really give somebody self-esteem. It comes from within. This is why it’s important for kids to be involved in things like sports, art, music. They need to learn how to try, how to overcome challenges and keep going. Kids who are just propped up with positive words (the best, the smartest, etc.) without any accomplishments to back these statements up can end up with self worth that’s based on external validation. Tell your daughter the truth. Help her figure out who she is as a person and support her through her struggles. Remind her of her accomplishments when she’s in doubt. Let her fall on her ass and encourage her to get back up, and be there to help if she needs it.”
—u/hadesratsoup
3.
“I wouldn’t tell her the things that my parents told me. I wouldn’t question why she’s dressed a certain way. I wouldn’t tell her makeup is only for ugly people. I wouldn’t make her feel like being feminine makes her weak or stupid.”
—u/aerialpoler
4.
“Give sincere attention to all the ridiculous stuff that’s important to them as they grow. Their pet water balloon breaking when they’re 5. Their socks not matching when they’re 8. Their tiff with their BFF when they’re 12. Listen gravely. Show you’re willing to give their concerns time and attention. Because If you don’t, you show them that you’re not interested in the things that are important to them. And if you’re not interested in those things, why would they tell you about sexual abuse or drugs or bullying?”
5.
“Focus on their qualities outside of appearance. Teach them about consent, both explicit and implicit. Teach them to be kind, but also confident in their choices, which I think is so important in the face of peer pressure. Encourage exploration of different types of self-expression. Encourage freedom of expression of emotions. Help them articulate their feelings, thoughts, opinions. Open the line of communication for absolutely everything. Our children will be able to come to us with any question, any concern, any time. And we will be willing to talk to them about it.”
—u/lydviciousss
6.
“Consent is a big one — making sure they know they are in charge of their bodies. I start teaching consent with tickling. I let them know when they say ‘stop’ I will stop immediately, and I always stop. Sometimes they say ‘stop’ and then ‘go’ if they want more tickles. I know a lot of adults do tickle torture where they don’t stop because the kids are giggling, yelling stop, but this is an easy first step for consent. I also offer ‘hugs, high fives, or handshakes’ and never force a hug or kiss. Sometimes they just do a wave goodbye and that’s fine too!”
—u/hiyo86
“Thank you so much for this. I am extremely traumatized by nonconsensual tickling. Does that sound silly? Yes. Was it silly? Fuck no. It was torture. My uncle never stopped. He would hold me down under a bean bag and put his full weight on it. He’s like 6ft 200 lbs, and I was a smaller than average girl at 3-8 years old. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get away. It was horrible. Even as I grew up, my friends and random fucking strangers would always ask ‘are you ticklish’ and fucking touch me without consent. They thought it was SO hilarious, and of course tickling causes uncontrollable laughter so they think it’s funny. ‘If you don’t like it why are you laughing.’ I had so much of my bodily autonomy taken away and it stuck with me for a LONG time.”
—u/russiancat26
7.
“I model positive self-talk, even if I don’t feel that way about myself and my body. Children need to learn how to talk to themselves positively or the cycle of crappy self-esteem will never end. My mother talked about me positively in so many ways, but not about herself. So I learned that positive talk only comes from outside sources. Also, I have anxiety so being heaped with praise stresses me tf out.”
8.
“Let her know failure is room for growth, and IT DOESN’T AFFECT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER. Teach her to ask ‘what can I learn from this’ instead of only ‘where did I go wrong.’ Both questions are valid, but she needs both to truly grow. And teach her that her worth is not in what she does for other people, but how she empowers others, sets a good example, and lives by the standards and values she comes to, and how she feels.”
—u/thedrunkunicorn
9.
“As Freddie Mercury once said, ‘There is always be someone better than you, but they never be you.’ And you can think of it in so many ways. Like, someone can look better than you, be smarter than you, but they never got to be who you are.”
—u/diligent_steak7836
10.
“I would raise a daughter much the same way my parents raised me. They got me involved in activities which built my sense of confidence, rather than looking good and acquiring things. I was involved in sports, music, and art growing up, all hobbies I loved which helped me express myself in creative ways and built a strong sense of self-esteem. Also, I was praised more for my efforts in these hobbies rather than the outcomes, which sometimes were not always positive. Learning to tolerate failure taught me resilience and strength and to never give up.”
11.
“My daughter’s nearly three and I’ve taught her words to repeat to herself. So I will look at her and say, ‘I am.’ And she will say (about herself), ‘I am kind.’ I’ll keep saying, ‘I am,’ and she comes out with phrases like funny, happy, loved, cheeky 😂. I really want to teach her to love herself to avoid growing up feeling how I felt.”
—u/connectionno6117
12.
“I would say to her, ‘You’re super smart, you can figure it out yourself. You don’t need me. But if you do get stuck and you need help, I’m here, just call me. And if you make a mistake, well, that’s just how we learn baby girl. We’ll clean it up and move on, wiser.'”
—u/gumdropsweetie
13.
“Less saying, more doing. Using life lessons as prime examples. Showing her WHY I’m choosing to make conscious decisions and my thought processes. Making sure to teach her to communicate well, express emotions healthily, recognize when something is not right, and how to navigate these scenarios.”
14.
“Get her into sports so that she learns to appreciate her body for what she can do with it rather than appearance.”
—u/dorothyya
15.
“Model standing up for yourself so that your daughter knows how to set good boundaries as she grows older. My mom was always very supportive of me, but let my father walk all over her (and us), so I didn’t know how to stand up for myself as an adult and struggled to value my own autonomy. I’ve really struggled with feelings of low self worth because of this.”
—u/holdmefermata
16.
“No one is thinking about you the way YOU are thinking about you. Didn’t do well on that test or stumbled over your words? NO ONE else thinks you’re dumb. Smudged your lipstick or have a pimple ? NO ONE else thinks you’re ugly. People are more focused on themselves, same as you. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself.”
17.
“‘I’m so proud of you.’ ‘You were amazing.’ ‘I really admire the person you’re becoming.'”
—u/_-loki
18.
“I would tell them they are enough just as they are. They don’t have to hustle for worthiness — it is a given. They are worthy and deserving of kindness and love, and that first has to come from within themselves. I’d say they need to talk to themselves as they would to their best friend as shaming and bullying yourself will never turn you into someone you love. I would tell them that regret and guilt are helpful emotions as they relate to behavior, but shame — as in ‘I am bad’ rather than ‘I did bad’ — will keep them stuck rather than help them grow. I would warn them that people can be unkind, but their behavior has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. They are dealing with their own shit.”
“I’ve had to learn this stuff the hard way and it’s taken me a lot of time and therapy to heal, so I look forward to trying my best to give my children the best foundation I can, while understanding that I will still make mistakes.”
—u/haelett
19.
“Your worth has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks of you. It has everything to do with what you think of yourself. Did you do your best? Did you stay true to yourself and the people you love? If the answer is yes, you’re going to be okay, even if people are mad at you. If the answer is no, your worth is STILL invaluable. You just know you can do better, and next time you will. Set right what you can and forgive yourself for the rest.”
20.
“When I was a kid, I excelled in a lot of things. I was athletic, cute, and smart. My nana used to brag about me all the time because of dance. And my parents would brag about my grades. I realized later that I only got attention if I did something worthwhile in their eyes. And the first time that I went against what THEY thought I should do, it was traumatic to be out from under their positive attention. So first, I’d make sure that I was giving her attention even if she was in last place. Make sure they knew I was proud of them even if they weren’t the best. And second, I’d make sure that they got to make their own choices and were equipped to do so safely. That’s the only way I got self-esteem as an adult.”
—u/hmtee3
21.
“Don’t talk about their lives revolving around men. ‘One day you’ll get married and have kids’ is a toxic phrase.”
—u/areareputamadre
“Agree. Telling daughters that being single and unmarried equates to failure is just toxic too.”
—u/kangaroook2190
22.
“Trust them to make most decisions for themselves, such as what to wear so they gain confidence in their ability to make decisions.”
23.
“I’m begging screaming crying: don’t comment on your daughter’s body. Sexual or not; man, woman, or anything else. It’s fucking weird, man. It weirded me out every time. She knows her body is changing. She’s 12, and she’s mortified by this fact. You don’t need to draw attention to it.”
—u/dangitheck
24.
“One thing I’ll say to is to not be fake or dismissive. Anytime I ever said, ‘Kids are making fun of me! I’m so embarrassed about my acne! They called me pizza face!’ My mom always said, ‘Nobody thinks that, you are so beautiful, maybe they are jealous.’ Although that seems kind, it was completely dismissing my actual experience. And I ended up ignoring other compliments like, ‘I love you, I’m proud’ because she was fake once, won’t fool me twice. So it’s not all about positive words. It’s about listening.”
—u/beprivategirl
25.
“I raised her that normal is a setting on a washing machine, to be unique is so much more valuable than to be like everyone else. We all struggle. We all fall short of who we think we are supposed to be. My girl is the one thing I’ve done right in my life. I think showing you are human, and not some mythical parent person matters. Always apologize. Always be accountable. Teach them respect by respecting them. Love is what matters. Nothing else.”
26.
“There are so many ways that shaming children is normalized in our culture. I can’t tell you how often I hear parents talking negatively about their kids, in front of their kids. ‘He behaves so badly all the time!’ ‘Your little sister can act better than you!’ I strongly believe that kids will internalize the messages they hear about themselves. So, I think it’s so important to just speak about kids in empowering ways. Focus on their strengths. If they do something bad, focus on how they can act better in the future than how they chose to act poorly in the present, and how everyone makes mistakes and the important thing is to try our best to make up for them. Don’t drag things out past the moment that it happened, just make the correction and move on with life.”
—u/artichoke313
27.
“Women are often instilled with this idea that if they only got along with everybody, their life would be better. So if they have anxiety, for example, they think if they just made sure that everybody loved them, surely their anxiety would get better, right? Wrong! So I want to make sure she actually has the confidence to occasionally displease people, if that is what is needed to make her grow as a person. Not the same as telling entitled people to be an asshole and just exploit others.”
—u/neurodivers
28.
“You are not less of a woman or girl or human for feeling the full range of emotions. You are not always supposed to be pleasant. Sometimes you will be angry, and sometimes you will slip up and hurt others feelings. But being angry is not inherently criminal. Never let anyone invalidate your emotions simply because the women and girls they grew up around were always suppressing them.”
29.
“It’s very important to teach kids that it’s okay to not know things. I was shamed for not knowing everything when I was little, so now I’m anxious almost every time I have to engage in a conversation just in case I won’t know something. And when I don’t know what people are talking about, I usually act like I do know, because I am scared to admit that I don’t.”
—u/nanananass
30.
“Encourage your daughter to speak, whether it’s just random chatter or giving opinions regarding serious issues. Growing up my brother would tell me, ‘You’re young, your opinion doesn’t matter. Don’t speak unless spoken to. You’re better off seen and not heard.’ That shit is so belittling. I never felt comfortable enough to express myself or join conversations. He continued this into my early adulthood to where I just automatically imagine no one is interested in what I have to say. Going to uni and being heard for the first time was so scary and thrilling, but every time I’m about to speak I hear his voice saying, ‘Your opinion doesn’t matter, you’re better off seen and not heard,’ and other things he used to say.”
—u/beautiful_cobbler989
31.
“Like my mother did for me, teach them how to live independently. Cooking, cleaning, bills, transport, jobs, education. Just the knowing that I’m able to stand on my own gives me an incredible peace of mind.”
32.
And finally, “I don’t have kids yet. But my mum did the best thing with me growing up that I think has gone a long way. At night, when she’d tuck me in she’d say, ‘I love you. And I love me.’ And she’d have me repeat. We still say it to each other from time to time.”
—u/throwawaysnowdrift
Now I’m curious, is there anything you would add? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Want awesome parenting tips in your inbox twice a week? Sign up for the BuzzFeed Parents newsletter!
Information contained on this page is provided by an independent third-party content provider. This website makes no warranties or representations in connection therewith. If you are affiliated with this page and would like it removed please contact editor @saltlakecityutah.business
