A lot of us want to make changes in our lives—whether it’s changing a bad habit such as smoking or overeating, creating a new habit such as meditation, or simply being less distracted or reactive during the day.
Whatever the change, you’re likely to face internal resistance. There is a part of you that doesn’t want to change.
If you want to change your eating habits, there’s a part of you who just wants to eat the donuts. If you want to exercise more, there’s a part of you that just wants to be lazy and relax. If you want to have less drama in your life, there’s a part of you that gets off on the drama. If you want to write a book and change people’s lives, there’s a part of you that wants to stay in the safety of anonymity or the life you already know.
This part of you will fight against the part of you that wants to create the change.
Here’s the counterintuitive advice: Own that part of you that doesn’t want to change.
Until you own this part of you, you’re constantly trying to ignore it, repress it, squash it. Committing violence against a part of you doesn’t make it go away—in fact, it will strengthen it. Trying to ignore it means it will keep mysteriously controlling you.
So how do you own it? First, acknowledge that there’s a part of you that’s creating the resistance. You’re not a victim of your circumstances, you’re a creator of your life. Notice when this part shows up—if you committed to a whole-foods diet, notice the part that wants to eat the potato chips.
When this part shows up, honor it. What does it feel like to be distracted or reactive? What does it feel like to feel helpless or frustrated? What does it feel like to be fearful and avoidant? Can you notice the feelings in your body? Can you give it attention and presence?
Could you even love this part of you? Could you forgive and be kind to the part of you that enjoys the distraction and helplessness and laziness and indulgence and drama?
Once you start to love this part of you, it no longer needs to be in control. Though it will still be there, when it does show up, you no longer have to fight it.
Counterintuitively, this relaxes everything. Resisting this part of you is simply energizing it from the negative position. Accepting it lets you see it more clearly and prevents it from operating in the shadows, driving your action—or inaction—without your consent.
If you can love this part of yourself instead of simply feeling badly about it, ignoring it, or running from it, you will have more of yourself under conscious influence and more of your own love, which is essential when it comes to changing in a direction of your own choosing.
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Leo Babauta is the author of six books and the writer of Zen Habits, a blog with over 2 million subscribers. Visit ZenHabits.net
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